"Take it from me, girls – there's no good reason to rush into S-E-X. That's why I hope these scientific facts help you choose abstinence, so you need never know the heartbreak of being trapped in a loveless marriage just because you drank too many margaritas one night and gave up your honey pot to a pushy young cokehead from a so-called 'good family.'"
1. Unlike your girly privates, which are internal, boy privates are external. God knew that nobody wanted to see all our lady mess, so He pushed everything up inside you. What in tarnation He was thinking when he came up with that nasty, dangling, squishy flesh on boys beats the heck out of me, but I suspect it was so it would be easier for Him to keep an eye on what they're up to. Because trust me: that grotesque grab bag of horror and disappointment is always up to something, gals.
2. Boy privates are often said to resemble hot dogs, although if you ask me, the ones I've seen always called to mind something like those cute little Austrian cocktail weenies they sell 8 to a can. But I think famed author Lynne Cheney described the male unmentionable best when she recalled recoiling at "an old Frankenstein's monster bratwurst that looked like it had rolled under the couch for a month and got covered in dust bunnies and would make you spit up if you even so much as halfheartedly nibbled the tip of it."
3. Though erotically sensitive just like girl nipples, boy nipples are NOT privates – yet. But my husband and I are working hard to instill a sense of sexualized body shame so acute, that one day soon boys will learn that their nipples are dirty little things that will get them – just like you! – arrested when they strut around topless at Myrtle Beach. America is not some big, old licentious San Tropez and it's time all of you out there realized it!
4. The stuff that comes out of boys every time they use you has as many calories as seven whole pints of Häagen-Dazs. That's why all the girls who do "it" always get so fat and ugly and have that ulcerated skin that screams to everyone in church, "I am an insatiable slut!"
5. While almost all American boys have human-looking privates, most foreign boys have privates like German Shepherds or half-open tubes of Max Factor lipstick.
6. Because boys use the business end of their privates as a pipe for going number one, touching it is pretty much the same as taking a bath in a Mexican's toilet.
7. If you play your cards right, the revolting little wrinkled purse part of boy privates is something a Christian lady can go throughout her entire life without ever seeing. But knowing where it is can come in mighty handy when called upon to give a "not until marriage" warning kick.
8. When a boy's disgusting private goes inside of a girl's shameful unmentionable, there is a serious risk of it breaking off and causing excruciating pain while it travels throughout your body like a giant trichinosis worm.
9. Up until the moment in your wedding when he says "I do," a boy's privates sport a treacherous spine of jagged scales, which may or may not secrete acid and weapons-grade anthrax – for which, apparently, only Ann Coulter has developed the antibodies.
10. God designed a boy's privates as part sword, part battering-ram, to joyously stab and hammer you with on the magical night you begin your life-long tethering to the man who'll liberate you from the drudgery of ever having to make your own decisions – except when to have a headache or give an "I don't like this" bite.
posted by Name Held by Request | 9:05 AM
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It just dawned on me -- after reading Republican representative Weldon's attack on his Democratic opponent's 5-year-old daughter, who is recovering from a brain tumor -- why I LOVE being a Liberal. Unlike Conservatives who can't seem to ever stop talking about Jesus while advocating that world leaders be assassinated, that gay and lesbian people be excluded from American society, that plowshares be turned into nuclear weapons, while cozying up to greed pimps like Abramoff, we Liberals, whether we pray to Jesus or not, live our lives something like Jesus lived his. Conservatives on the other hand, well, like I said, they talk-the-talk but shun walking-the-walk as if it were, well, a social program designed to help the needy.
I'm not saying every Liberal is a saint. Sure, some Liberals enjoy sex with others besides their spouses, but so do Republicans. Just ask Newt Gingrich, Republican LaTourette from Ohio, and Republican Congressman Sherwood. Heck, if one cares to, they can even ask Sherwood why he attempted to strangle his mistress. No, Liberals aren't saints but unlike our Conservative counterparts, we don't claim to be.
Also, unlike our Conservative friends who march around proclaiming themselves sexually pure while banging women like they were a hammer and the gals a nail, at the same time supporting "abstinence programs" and demanding teenagers keep "it in their pants," we Liberals would rather not condemn our children to a life of poverty due to their becoming parents prematurely. No, we'd rather live in a place called "reality" and recognize that if even those among us, such as our Conservative members of Congress, who most loudly proclaim their piety and sexual self-control can't manage to quit humping the leg of any woman that passes by while their wives are out of eyeshot, then certainly it isn't likely our kids -- hormone-crazed little critters they are -- are going to have any more success at making sound sexual decisions. Therefore, we in the Liberal community, out of compassion and love for America's children, and not some bizarre scheme to convert them all to a "homosexual lifestyle," offer them -- yes, in schools -- a chance to know, understand, and learn how to use condoms. You know, for those occasions when they feel compelled to mimic a Republican Congressman.
Another thing about us Liberals, again, unlike our pious Conservative pals, that is kind of Jesus-like -- we don't think every problem, especially terrorism, can be solved by killing 30,000 or more human beings in Iraq. Not being a regular attendee at Sunday mass -- okay, never -- and only having read the New Testament about a dozen times just for the wisdom of Jesus' work contained therein, I find it rather difficult to believe that Jesus would condemn our Liberal perspective on war and rush to embrace the crazed Republican need to bomb, beat, and berate fellow humans just because they aren't willing to do as our government commands. Call me crazy, but I am comfortable in that perspective.
And, too, while America's so-called God-fearing Republicans are busy cutting taxes for the wealthiest among us, we Liberals would rather pay a little extra in taxes if it means helping the poorest and neediest among us. Why hell, we Liberals are even crazy enough to think that maybe the millionaires and billionaires should pay just a little extra -- call it social tithing, if that makes the Jesus loving Conservatives feel better about it -- to ensure that the weakest, poorest, neediest, and least among us at least have a place to sleep and a little food to eat. Yeah, that, to us Liberals anyway, seems like a better way to spend the nation's treasure. At least better than spending it on a $2 trillion war in Iraq.
I remember as a child, my father had gotten laid off from his job in the paper factory -- a job he worked at for more than 43 years before retiring -- and eventually the unemployment ran out. For the first and last time ever, my Pops had to accept welfare. They used to give out food stamps (not even sure if that program hasn't been completely dismantled).
You should have seen the fights between us kids over who would have to take the stamps to the store to buy the food. Neither of my parents could do it -- they were too ashamed and so were us kids. Fortunately, for my family anyway, not long after that my father was called back to work. That was the last time we had to take food stamps to the store to buy food, but it taught me a valuable lesson. Nobody likes being poor, nobody likes accepting handouts, but it beat the hell out of starving to death.
I don't know, maybe we Liberals understand that a little better than our Conservative countryman. Maybe we just happen to know that being poor, even if we've never been poor ourselves, just has to suck and perhaps, too, that is why we'd just as soon make sure our fellow citizens have a safety net. I guess that is why that super-duper Liberal Franklin D. Roosevelt made sure America's elderly could depend on Social Security -- you know, so grandma and grandpa didn't have to fight with the cat and dog over the canned pet food. Something makes me think Jesus, if he really is the "Son of God" and bumping around somewhere up there, something makes me think he thought taking care of the elderly and ensuring they didn't live a life of poverty was a pretty good idea. Conservatives, however, disagree; they apparently think Jesus wouldn't find anything redeeming in that social program.
So, yeah, for these reasons and more I LOVE being a Liberal! Now, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, James Dobson -- Abramoff's good friend -- and Ralph Reed, Abramoff's really good friend, might not agree with my Liberal values, but that is okay by me. At least my "Liberal values" preclude me from being so drunk on power that, like Republican Representative Weldon, I'd stoop so low as to use a 5-year-old girl's fight against brain cancer against her father just so maybe I could score a few political points. Yeah, I'm really, really okay with being a Liberal. Matter of fact, I LOVE being a Liberal!
Commissioner Admits to Online Sex Chats
By Matthew Mosk
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, April 7, 2006; B09
A Maryland Public Service Commission member acknowledged yesterday that he used his state computer to engage in sexual conversations with an alleged prostitute but said he never committed a criminal act.
Charles R. Boutin issued a statement last night expressing his shame and sorrow for his conduct, but he said in a strikingly candid news release that his actions were part of an effort to deal with his impotency after surgery for bladder cancer.
"I committed no criminal act," said Boutin, appointed to the prominent state post by Gov. Robert L. Ehrlich Jr. (R) last year after seven years as a Republican delegate from Harford County. "I acknowledge, however, that my judgment was morally wrong and I am ashamed and sorry."
Lawmakers from his area said yesterday that they believe he should resign from the $100,000-a-year post on the commission, which regulates state utilities.
"He should step down," said Del. Mary Dulany-James (D-Harford). "I'm sickened."
"I feel sorry for his wife," said Del. Joanne S. Parrott (R-Harford).
Boutin, who is 63 and married, issued the statement one day before documents from a Harford County Sheriff's Department investigation were to be released to The Washington Post, including 13 e-mails sent from his House of Delegates computer.
Boutin said the alleged prostitute arranged to meet him last summer, but he did not follow through. He said his e-mails turned up in a search of her computer.
Discussion about Boutin's e-mails have quietly circulated in Annapolis for more than two months. In February, Attorney General J. Joseph Curran Jr. (D) briefed House Speaker Michael E. Busch about a request from the Harford County prosecutor for computer hardware assigned to Boutin.
"I told them we would do everything we could to help them resolve their investigation," said Busch (D-Anne Arundel).
In an interview in February, Boutin said he was unaware of the probe and said he had "never paid for sex. I don't know anything about it."
Harford State's Attorney Joseph I. Cassilly (R) acknowledged the prostitution investigation at the time but said he did not expect to pursue charges against the men involved. "She was catering to a well-heeled clientele," Cassilly said. "We sort of just quit while we were ahead. The purpose was to go after her and shut her down."
During his years in Annapolis, Boutin was a chief sponsor of the Defense of Marriage Act, which prevents the state from recognizing same-sex marriages. Del. Richard S. Madaleno Jr. (D-Montgomery) called it "ironic that someone who professed to protect the sanctity of marriage was violating the sanctity of his own marriage."
In his statement yesterday, Boutin said his actions "deeply offended my family -- especially my wife. . . . I thank God for my wife's patience, love and forgiveness, as well as that of my children."
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