The Dire Problem of Dildos in Tennessee

Rep. Eric Swafford

Tennessee House of Representatives

Sunday, March 05, 2006
Lawmakers (R) Seek to Outlaw Dildos


The Dire Problem of Dildos in Tennessee


Apparently, lawmakers in this impoverished red state can't find enough serious problems to address, so they've turned their minds to sex, specifically sex toys.

For unknown reasons, State Senator Charlotte Burks (DINO) and State Rep. Eric Swafford (R) have been thinking a lot about the activities going on your bedroom. They have come to the conclusion that Tennessee will be a better place to live if the state regulates your bedroom by outlawing dildos.

Dildos today, mandatory missionary position tomorrow. We think it's high time the Republican party considers a name change. We suggest the Victorian Party, along with a campaign slogan of: Vote for a Victorian, and Say Hello to the Peeping Tom State in Your Bedroom.

It's true that Burks calls herself a Democrat, but in this state the Democratic party is over-run with Republicans.

If the Victorians have their way, it will soon become a crime to sell, advertise, publish, or exhibit dildos in this red state. Presumably "exhibit" is what happens when more than one person is caught in the vicinity of a dildo. The lawmakers are willing to permit some exceptions, such as the study of dildos by college students and professors. Were you looking for a subject for your Master's thesis? Interviewing lawmakers on this touchy subject could prove highly stimulating.

HB3798 and SB3794
Abstract: Obscenity and Pornography - Creates Class A misdemeanor offenses of distributing unlawful sexual devices and wholesale distributing of unlawful sexual devices.

If you'd like to better understand this important issue of the day, email your Victorian lawmakers to find out everything you ever wanted to know about the dire problem of dildos in Tennessee:

Sen. Charlotte Burks
Rep. Eric Swafford

Dear Rep Swafford,

I applaud you for sponsoring a bill banning the sale of certain appliances. You know what I mean, the vibrating things that sometimes look like a man's little soldier. I call them toy soldiers.

As much as I like your bill, I'm certain it will anger feminists and those who believe the heresy that the government has no business regulating a woman's lady-parts. Expect these femislamists to attack you viciously.

No doubt they'll be aided and abetted by a media feeling empowered after bringing about our nation's defeat in Iraq. You'll need to be prepared for them.

That's where I come in. I've prepared a few talking points to help you manage their interviews:

• Sexual devices cause women to have unreal expectations about men.

* Some of these devices are 4 inches or longer in length and over an inch in diameter.

* These devices stay hard all of the time, even when wrestling isn't on the TV.

* These devices seldom cause a woman to cry or vomit.

• This bill is not targeted at Bill O'Reilly.

* Bill O'Reilly will always be welcome to visit Tennessee.

* Nothing in this bill prevents Bill O'Reilly from bringing his ReamMaster 5000 into the state as long as it is for his own personal use.

* Although Mr. O'Reilly will be unable to buy a sexual device in Tennessee, there is nothing in the bill that bars him from buying batteries for any device he brings with him.

• I am considering amending the bill.

* I'm working on language to allow Alpha Gamma Rho fraternities in the state to purchase one AlphaGoat with the Vibra-Bleat® option prior to pledge week each year.

* I'm adding a clause that will allow for drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve.

I hope you find these talking points useful