THE BUSH DOCTRINE

The bird flu is coming - but don't worry, because the Bush administration is primed and ready to pounce on this potentially dangerous disease. Yes, the gang that bought you Freedom And Democracy In Iraq and We Are Fully Prepared To Help The Victims Of Hurricane Katrina is lining up its latest success - but this time they need your help. Remember when John Ashcroft said that everyone should prepare for a terrorist attack by rushing out to get duct tape and plastic sheeting? If you thought that was government at its finest, you'll love this.

Last week Health and Human Services Secretary Michael Leavitt announced that Americans should prepare for bird flu by stashing canned tuna and powdered milk under their beds. "When you go to the store and buy three cans of tuna fish," said Secretary Leavitt, "buy a fourth and put it under the bed. When you go to the store to buy some milk, pick up a box of powdered milk. Put it under the bed." Sounds good, but what are folks like Bill O'Reilly going to do? You think he's got the time or inclination to move all those boxes of porn?